My downward spiral was interrupted with flash floods; while my mind was silently pivoting to a bottomless pit of apathy and agony, the world around me decided to crash in, taking down people I love with it.
I watched. We watched.
This time it was different. We didn’t speak. None of us said “don’t cry”, “you’re stronger than this”, or my personal favourite – “it’s going to get better”. I couldn’t tell if it was because overnight, we were forced to summon a strength we didn’t know we had, or because over the years we had marinated in misery and we knew better.
We looked away for a minute;
Some of us had our loved ones taken away,
Some of us had our loved ones take themselves away,
Some of us had conversations with death,
Some of us couldn’t get ourselves out of bed,
Some of us were contemplating on death,
Some of us were fearing birth,
Some of us had lost all purpose,
Some of us carried the burden of the world,
All of us had loved,
All of us had lost,
None of us could give up.
So we held on to each other. Nursing wounds with love. This time, it was different – there were hugs and tears in place of weed and cigarettes. There were coffee and books in place of booze and one night stands. This time, we held on to sanity, this time we faced pain head on.
We held our hands and walked in to the eye of the storm, holding each other closer while finding our way through it. Piecing together the broken parts, in touch with our pain, in touch with our feelings. This time, we knew we had to make it through, for the loves we lost and the loves that were left behind alike.
We sat in silence and let love heal is. Love, old and new, pulled through. Love held our hands and held on to the promise of keeping us safe. Love told us it will be there, and it did.
And when the words started finding it’s way, I’ll remember what saved and who saved me;
Love was cautious;
Whatever faith it is, we’re told that our time on earth is fleeting. That’s a given. But it’s for that reason that we’re supposed to do as much good in our time here, before we have to leave. Not all of us will have the luxury and lack of responsibility to be going off on retreats and journeys to find ourselves or find peace so we have to stick it out with whatever we can get and not wasting our time in places with people who make us unhappy.
Some people will remain brats but some will show you, in unconventional ways, that they are close to support you. And they’ll tell you, despite what you like to claim, that you do have strengths and talents and that you don’t have to remain somewhere that’s draining you.
Effort is tiring, academic or not, but thesis or life in general, and having to pick ourselves up isn’t fun. But what do we become when we resign ourselves to just waiting for an inevitable end? Life is gone one second yes but it’s here now, so we fill our days with something, instead of waiting for the end with nothing. We all know that we’re not here forever or very long. Acknowledging the impermanence but not using that as a justification for emptiness.
I know you’ll have a million things to say to this. Long story short, 1. don’t eliminate possibilities before even giving them a chance, 2.you are capable of much more than people reduce you to and that’s why you’re unhappy where you are, because you know you have so much more to give, 3.some people might live up to your expectation of them being idiots but not all of them, and they are the ones who want you around most.
Love was fierce;
I know that you’re trying to be strong for everyone around you right now but just know that when everything catches up with you and you need to fall apart, I will be there to pick you up. To feeding your flame – Always ❤
Love was far away, but present;
Hey I’m sorry I can’t do more. Kinda too far away to come over for a pat on the back. And to tell you it’s going to be ok. Because it is. Bad situations always seem the worst when we’re going through them. And especially if we allow them to dominate our perspective. Let me know anything I can do from here.
Love didn’t have much to say, but was reassuring and constant;
Have you eaten? Did you drink enough water? We are always here for you.
But please look after yourself at the same time. So I’m here whenever you need me.
Call me anytime you need. Come over when you need a hug.
Can I write your thesis for you? Im here okay?
Love was encouraging;
And I think the best thing you can do is do what you’re doing now, ie talk about it on instagram and stuff.
Because lots of people feel the same way. And your words are probably helping a lot of people. I mean I know it made me feel better reading your posts knowing that there’s other people going through the same thing. Ok. Well, if you need to talk, I’ll be around.
Love was hope;
I can’t wait to give you a big hug.
Love was an inside joke;
I brought you pre mix, to make you pancakes. Are you okay? Okay-ish? I’m here.
Nice armchair. Why do we fight like a married couple? Your height makes you easier to hug. Come here, let me give you a hug.
Love was a pest, but persistent;
Chin up ah.
Love was safe;
I’m here. I’m not leaving.
and I love you”
Love was a memory;
It’s been years since I saw you and we don’t talk but I’m here, I’m always here when you need, always here for you.
I sit here buried six feet under rock bottom. I’m sitting with my friends. Some of them lamenting alongside me, some of them drowning in deeper layers of pain, and some others just sitting with us holding our hand waiting for the day light to guide us back home.
I’m sitting here, broken – still breaking. I still have no answers, I still have no reasons. My voice quivers, I don’t open up easy and the last time I did, I woke up to empty walls yet again. I’m taking my time, I’m taking it in. But I will not apologise for the depth of my feelings nor the unconditional abundance of my love.
Love, love is purpose.