Eulogy; epilogue.

on

 

Processed with VSCOcam with hb2 preset
Processed with VSCOcam with hb2 preset

I forgive you;

for leaving the door open,

 for trusting a familiar face,

for letting him in,

for letting them win,

 for every possible way in which they made you feel like it was your fault.

 for every way in which you coped,

 for every time you hurt,

 for denying,

for being denied. 

I apologize; 

for letting you take the burden,

for letting you walk alone, 

for assuming blame,

for every way in which you coped,

for every time you hurt,

for denying you,

for being denied. 

I tried to write you off. The plot line of our story had escalated beyond comprehension. It was difficult to cut you off, it was convenient to cut you off. You were my dilemma, you were my devil or the deep blue sea. Perhaps, if I told myself often that you were no more, may be I’d believe. If I told myself often that you were no more, maybe I would not have to find the time to sit with you in your silent corner and guide you back to light.

So I told myself you were no more.

You withdrew to a lonely corner and sat in a circle of solitude. A circle made entirely of things that could hurt, things that could kill, things that you used just to feel. On Monday, you’d choose the blade, Tuesday was for the pills, Wednesday for the gin.. and then you spiral.

I watched in silence, knowing you were hurting. I watched you from drift away slowly, and all the while I told myself you were already lost, already gone.

But you were waiting, weren’t you? Waiting for me to come around. Waiting for me to hold you and tell you;

that I’m sorry,

that I forgive,

that its not your fault,

that I don’t blame you,

that I believe you.

You were sitting in a circle of solitude and setting fire to your bones hoping that the smoke would draw me back. But I dismissed your cries for help with a blanket of oblivion and arrogance of wounded pride. I dismissed your cries because I listened when they said strong people don’t cry. I dismissed your cries because they told me you didn’t deserve to be so sad, you should have known better than to be sad.

And while you sat in your circle of solitude, I ran around in circles – ran further with each spin, along with the rest.

You were sitting in a circle of solitude and setting fire to your bones hoping that the smoke would draw me back. And for all the days I spent despising you for leaving, you had never left. You were always right where you should be – when you were there, and when you weren’t there.

I’m here now,

I apologize,

I forgive.

Day 1095; Let’s start anew. 

To SS 🐺

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