It’s been a month now.
Nothing much has changed,
But everything has.
I’m seeking refuge in oblivion by day,
Praying for the courage to run the blade horizontally by night.
I’m not a victim, I tell myself,
I do a good job at living this lie.
I maintain my grades,
I maintain my smile,
Nothing else matters,
I laugh more than I should,
Compensating to the unshed tears,
My words louder than they used to be,
Louder than the demons in my head,
Still saying nothing.
I’m playing a part,
The emotionless; the strong.
I shut my emotions out,
I shut myself out.
Conversations about last night,
about good sex and bad sex,
First kisses and stolen nights –
Daggers at my soul.
Pushing my fragile self to the edge.
Maybe tonight will be the night it all ends,
I sit in my room – the scene of crime,
Cocktail of pills in one hand,
Will to live, slipping through the other.