Lacuna

A feeling, or lack thereof.   Advertisements

Holy fucking matrimony 

You swear on the alter And call it holy By god names you swear Love between two and only thus will.  Do not reduce love to a singular For each part of me has loved One each for it part it fed Do not reduce my love to a singular  When all you do is…

Thank you, Rest in Peace. 

The message said you passed away. I then sent question marks after each variation of your name hoping the answer would be different each time. It didn’t.  I then spoke to your – no – our baby sister. Stared at the phone hoping she would say you were fine. Bullying her, but fine.  But broke…

Saturn & the Sun. 

Lately I’ve been oscillating between opening up and crawling back to a silent vacuum. Opening up, for me, is proof that there is some fight left in me. The fetishisation of the light at the end of the tunnel, if you will. But a part of me has been seeking refuge behind denial, again. I’ve…

Support system 

My downward spiral was interrupted with flash floods; while my mind was silently pivoting to a bottomless pit of apathy and agony, the world around me decided to crash in, taking down people I love with it.  I watched. We watched.  This time it was different. We didn’t speak. None of us said “don’t cry”,…

Whispers of death. 

Tonight I’m inconsolable.  I’ve been shielded by deadlines and to-do lists for far too long. And tonight, it’s all catching up on me.  I’m reminded that there’s no one I could run to – smothered by the void around me.  I’m reminded that my absence makes no impact – much like my presence I’m reminded…

Relapse 

The redness of my right wrist says I tried to hurt myself again. I ignore your narrow gaze now fixated on my hand just to access the degree of damage. As if the depth of the scars would indicate how prepared you need to be this time – to pull me back out of it…

home is such a lonely place//

  Blink-182 made a new song. It goes something like this, “home is such a lonely place without you”.   21 years and I’ve never written about you.   Writing was always my means of coming to terms with things, writing was me coming to terms with the emotions, writing was my sanctuary; the act…

People will let you down. 

People are going to let you down. Even the most unassuming ones – the ones bonded by soul, bonded by blood, bonded by words.  More often than not, it’s not necessarily meant out of malice. Understand maybe their not attuned to the chords of your heart to know what would hurt you, what would not….

when I said I was difficult. 

when I said I was difficult; I wasn’t depreciating myself, I wasn’t unhappy with my circumstances  – and most importantly, I wasn’t challenging anyone to try and deal with it – many have tried, few came close to but none succeeded.  I knew the circumference of my soul, The depth of the abyss that is…

Suicide and I.

Suicide was my escape —  the dream destination that I mulled over, each time my mind tricked me in to feeling like the world was closing in on me. Suicide was my first love —  on most days, I was over it. But the second life got a tad too overwhelming again, I’d find myself…

Inertia

    The moments before it all translates in to paper is by far the most agonizing.  There are emotions trapped fighting their way through the abyss within and they always find their way out; either through meticulously carved incisions etched on the right wrist, or a concoction of darkness and light unraveling on to…